Can We Ever “Lean Out”?

I know first-hand the demands that motherhood places on all women, and the unique challenges it presents to women who work outside the home. I returned to my career as a nurse just six weeks after the birth of my first child, but on a part-time basis. With my second child, I also returned to work with a reduced schedule and with my third, returned immediately to full time. In all instances, I felt rushed to jump back in before I was ready. Far too often women feel that they must choose between successful careers and motherhood, and either sacrifice time with their young children or drop out of the workforce entirely.

According to the Harvard Business Review, 43% of highly-qualified women with children are leaving careers or taking a career break. In another recent story by The New York Times, The Costs of Motherhood Are Rising, and Catching Women Off Guard, the author notes that despite earning more college degrees than men, entering jobs previously closed to them and delaying marriage and childbirth, women age 25 to 54 who work is about the same as it was in 1995. To me, this all points to an urgent need to make the balancing act more achievable as well as make sure we’re not penalizing women for stepping out for a time.  

I recently sat down with CHOP’s AVP of Board Relations and my Chief of Staff, Ellen Dean, to discuss her experience of leaving the workforce, twice. Below is a summary of our conversation. 

MB: What drove your decision to leave the workplace for a time? Did you intend on returning? 

ED: When I first left the workforce, my children were three-and-a-half and one. My husband was traveling a lot for his job and I was feeling extremely overwhelmed trying to balance work and motherhood. There were very few female mentors for me at the firm where I worked after law school, and certainly none in leadership roles. And there was most definitely no option for part time or flexible work arrangements. So seeing all that made it very hard for me to understand how I could even begin to think about juggling that type of career and a family. I knew in my heart that I had reached a juncture when I had to make a decision. The choice that was right for me at the time, for a variety of reasons, was to step away and focus on my family. I was very fortunate that my husband fully supported that decision and that he was willing to shoulder the burden of supporting us financially. I always intended to go back to work when the timing was right for everyone, which I eventually did when the kids were a bit older. When my kids were in high school I again started to feel the tug of not being able to adequately juggle everything. At that point I was in a very demanding and consuming full time + job that left me with little energy or time to really focus on my family. I was desperately afraid that I was going to blink and realize that I had missed important milestones in their lives and that I would regret not having been more present with them. I again made the decision to step away for a while – but I always intended to return to work when my youngest child left for college.

MB: What were some of your fears leading up to that decision? Was it clear-cut?

ED: I think my fears were the same ones that all women contemplating this type of decision feel. I worried about the impact of losing our second income, about not feeling fulfilled being at home, about not having enough stimulating adult interactions and a clear routine, about what my friends and family would think about my choice, and about not being able to get another job when I was ready to jump back in. In both instances my decisions were not clear-cut and took a lot of soul searching and mental back and forth before I could really articulate what I wanted to do and why.

MB: Did you find it difficult to re-enter the workplace?

ED: Despite all of my fear and anxiety about finding a way back in, re-entering not once, but twice, was much easier than I expected it to be. Having a large network of people to reach out to was extremely helpful in terms of identifying opportunities and opening doors for constructive conversations. However, when I told people that my intention was to go back to work as soon as my youngest left for college, many of them laughed and said “good luck making that happen” or “things don’t always work like that you know.” I started networking and talking to people about nine months before my daughter was going to leave for college and I went into my job search with the benefit of having had time to clearly define what I was looking for and enough self-confidence to know that I could bring value to an organization and that I wasn’t going to settle for something that didn’t really excite me. I got my offer from CHOP and started my job two months before she left for school!

MB: How does it feel to be back in the workplace? What did you learn?

ED: I am thrilled to be back at work and I am extremely grateful that I didn’t just get any job – I truly got my dream job. As an employee I always gave 100% to whatever I was doing, but it feels very different to me now that I am not trying to juggle different priorities. I think the most important thing I learned is that there isn’t one path for everyone. We all have to make decisions that work best for us and, as women, we need to be supportive of each other. While Sheryl Sandberg encourages everyone to Lean In, we also need to understand and accept that Leaning Out is an equally acceptable option for many of us. I also learned that it is possible to lean back in once you’ve leaned out for a while.

MB: What would be your advice to women who are mid-career, but are feeling the pressures of work-life balance and might be interested in taking a pause to prioritize other things? 

ED: The first thing I would suggest is that they speak with their employer to see if any options exist for alternative work arrangements that might provide more flexibility. While I know that this won’t always be possible, I think that there are a lot more employers who are open to these arrangements than there were even 10 or 15 years ago. If a flexible schedule isn’t an option, or if someone is committed to taking a pause like I did, then I would encourage them to find ways to continue developing their skill sets while they are out of the workforce – through volunteering, working on projects, or consulting. And, lastly, I would highly recommend that they keep in touch with their co-workers, bosses, mentors and other professional connections so that they have a network of people to reach out to when they are ready to go back to work.

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Thank you to Ellen for taking the time to share her story. How do you think we can better support women so that taking a break isn’t a career death sentence? How should we advise women to be strategic in how they take that time off, so that returning isn’t impossible and that they’re not unemployable? One thing is for certain – having more women in leadership positions will go a long way in pushing this conversation forward.