[Photo courtesy of The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia]
Apologizing. Discrediting what we’re about to say. Raising our hands before we speak. These are all things I’ve seen high-powered women do in meetings. They are not things I have seen many, if any, men do. I was recently in a room with a room full of extremely accomplished and intelligent physicians, debating possible solutions to a problem. As suggestions, statements and explanations flew around the room, I noticed that the sole female physician (who actually had a higher title and more experience than the men in the room) was the only participant in the debate to raise her hand before she spoke and prefaced her statement with “I’m sorry, but.” She had all the right credentials to be at the table (and then some!) and should have felt confident, yet she felt the need to ask permission to enter the discussion and apologize for what she internalized as an interruption.
In another meeting on a different day, I sat with a room full of women leaders. As we discussed a variety of topics, a woman whom I had always been impressed by and seen as an up-and-coming leader, spoke up and said, “Well, this might be silly, but…” She then went on to give a thought-out and interesting idea. I was so disappointed. Later, I pulled her aside and asked her if she had realized her habit. She reacted with shock, and said she hadn’t. I asked how she was feeling as she contributed to the discussion, and she said she wasn’t sure if it was appropriate for her to chime in. Though it was a bit uncomfortable to ask her about it, I was able to use it as a coaching moment and I believe she really appreciated the feedback. As leaders, we have to not simply watch other women practice these often unconscious bad habits, we need to use them as opportunities for self-reflection and growth.
So why do we feel discomfort speaking up, arguing for our position or speaking freely without fear that it may sound “silly?” As women, we are often raised to be “good girls,” to be polite and agreeable. It can often feel uncomfortable to be bold, to interrupt or to disagree but the key is: feel it on the inside, but don’t say it out loud. You may feel like what you’re about to say may be silly but don’t announce that to the room. When you preface a statement with a self-deprecating phrase like “I’m sorry, but” or “This may be silly, but” it only serves to discredit the validity of what you’re about the say. Most people in the room may not pick up on it directly, but when you don’t speak confidently it definitely affects how you are perceived. It sets you on an uneven playing field and contributes to the unconscious bias against women.
Being aware of these tendencies is the first step to changing them. I can’t tell you how often I practice conversations in my head on the car ride to work, or visualize how I am going to present myself in an important meeting. By being hyperaware of how you project yourself, you can avoid letting any of that internal self-doubt (that we ALL have from time to time) become external. Just remember, confidence is practiced.